so fucking pissed off. fucking fucking fuckker

fuk u u fuking fucking WANKER

fuk u. seriously. cnyt stand thought of the rest of my life. such fukin sht. fukkin fukkin dickhead

scared

ugh hel bound

scared reading book - We need to talk about Kevin. its about a mother who detests her child, well the first third i read is anyway. is he innately evil/ the way she rights about him makes me believe her tho she sounds like a selfish cold hearted b**** too. omg what if im like tht. dont think i will inshallah but i get so so so so so annoyed with some kids. i have developed a hatred of the 6 yr old at the momemnt. ignored it for 3 days. feel bad. dont care. whot if my child turns into a murderer too? hope i bond. hpe it doesnt cry Too much. hope i cn earn its respect. hope i cn be a good Muslim parent.

where is he? its 22.13 n he's not back from work. eugh so tired. work is so draining. so tiring. love it but i hate it. so fat i hate it it.

room is being deep cleaned. feels nice. need new cupboards and perhaps a bed and perhaps get rid of this massive bookshelf but how to convinve him of tht?

It's so dark outside...

...but it's so dark inside too.

:'(

:'(

:'(


:'(
:'(

I HATE HER

I GET SO ANGRY THINKGIN ABOUT HER WHY DOESNT SHE F OFF, STUPID B****

SO SO SO SO SO WINDING ME UP , EVERYTIME SHE COMES INTO MY MIND I LOSE CONTROL SHES A FKIN F**** WHY CANT SHE GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

what is the point of a husband.

truly, honestly, what use are they? what do they provide?

money? i cant get a job.
companionship? err yeh, a zombie staring at a tv is real great
leadership in the home? more like lazy ass buggers

they eat the food you prepared for them, they wear the clothes you washed n ironed for them but never will they lift a finger to help, never will they do anything unless you ask them a million times.

theyre shit.

oh man oh iman i am being so bad this ramadan. i just m not doing anything. im reading my seerah and enjoying it but that doesnt really count - plus i just feel guilty reading it cos if i was really touched by it and the ppl in it then i would strive to folow their example and do what they did during ramadan.

the slumber doesnt help. im sooo fatigued all the time. Feels like when the Abu Jahl ordered his men to kill the Prophet pbuh but as they were waiting outside Allah made sleep come over them. Ha! But yeh, super lazy. Maybe I have an illness. Maybe its cos im eating too much bread, but i am eating fruit too. Dunnno, zzzz.

I despise sharing a kitchen. Despise it to hell and back. Though I should be grateful that i have running water. alhamdulillah a billion times. and more than that a toilet and a sewage system. Imagine being so poor tht u dont have a toilet or a sewage system. omg the flies. may Allah accept my sincere sincere thanks and continue to bless me with these blessings pleeassse and also goodness in the hereafter.

had to teach KS1 kids. omg they were so tiny. and so dumb! 5-7 yr olds - they dont know anything some of them. im gonna super teach my kids inshallah. how on earthw as i supposed to teach em about FT??

dilemma about eid, to go in laws for the day or not? Hate train journeys with avengence. cant do journeys anymore. plus they dont really want me there, its just so Y is there, so whats the point? i wish i had a family too.

useless

man i am so useless. useless and crap at everything i do. cant do anything right, well or good. really a frikin waste of space. so worried

FOR SALE

1 Life. Much potential, excess chub, comes with free husband, room and job. Free to good home.

i want a F**ING divorce. fucking fucking fucking shit

fiction?

Moral, Mental, Physical deterioration. Self hatred reaching unbearable levels.

:'(

oh sweet death come, come. In fact yesterday I was happy in the car with Y. Normally I'm nervous on the motorway but this time I was hopeful for a fatal crash. Though I had to re-jig my fantasy to ensure that he and my nephew didn't also die in the crash.

STOP PRESS

Ceiling has just collapsed in the living room. Nephew was inches away from being knocked on the head with large pieces of Victorian concrete. As pretty as they are I don't think that would have done his brain any favours. Ah well another job to occupy my dad with. Maybe now he will reconsider selling the house, the miserable horrid godforsaken house.

It was nice only when my mum was alive, with siblings living here, children playing, uncles dawating, aunties gossiping. Now its a warzone. The latest battle was over the pool table "WHERES IT GOING TO GO, WHERE WILL THE GUESTS SLEEP?". What guests? This house hasn't seen any happiness for more than a decade. Who are you anyway to dictate how each last iota of the house is occupied? You've driven one person away already, are you trying to break a record?

Puked 3 times yesterday. Felt like I was having chemo or something. Na'uthubillah may Allah protect my family and me from diseases of the body and the soul.

Ramadan soon - its going to be so crap, I don't have anyone to share it with, no masjid taqwa to run over to, no K to learn names with, no free iftars to feel part of the community. Just dark long nights of loneliness and guilt.

My dad is crazy as well (just a phrase, not a derogatory term). His latest project is the remote control. I didnt think a remote control could cause such anguish! Though anything is possible after hearing him shout and rave down the phone, red in the face with anger, only to hear him say next "That was my 8pence. Why did you take my 8 Pence, I demand you to put it back on my account". All international phone companies are chor (thieves) apparently. I'm surprised that the fact he saves probably thousands on the cheapo purchases he gets from As*a doesn't console him a bit. I'm sure it all balances out - rippings off and savings. Maybe I'll understand when I have a pension. I just don't understand why he doesnt make his life easier for himself, he's got 5 kids, he could relaxedly and peacefully live with any one of them (if he gets rid of her that is)and not worry about property and money or anything.

God shes such a B!tch sometimes. The ceilings just collapsed (which is worrying and traumatic) and all she can do is made snide remarks about 'this is what happens to old houses'. Get the FRIK out the house and bugger off from where you came from then if you hate it so much. It would please me to heaven if you did at least. I wonder how things would have been if my mum hadn't have died. Though she was very strict. Maybe I would have been more disciplined and in control then.

Ah enough blathering, better go help clean up.

sick

scared. really really scared. :'( oh Allah take me away from this world. Oh Allah save me please. hate it.

bah

bah , stuffs so crap at the moment. feel so lonely. wish there was someone looking after me. God? Maybe. But also a human would be nice. :( the worlds such a lonely place i wish i was dead dead DEAD

OMG my arm hurts after playing just 2 minutes of Wii Boxing. There was this funny kid on the bus who was proper winding up his dad by saying Wee. The dad was glaring at him not to say such rude words but he was like . ...

... No, actually I forgot the punch line to that story. Sorry. This always happens. Was it Wii he was saying or a different word? Damn thats annoying.

Anyway , its strange how I really like my chinese friend. I wouldnt find it rreally hard to explain why I think shes cool - our backgrounds would imply we wouldnt relly match but I do think shes ace. I think its because she has a strong but not overpowering character and a very active mind - she always has an opinion and something to say but at the same time doesnt talk too much. I learn alot from her. She saves money by always buying her drink cans in a multi-pack at the beginning of the week and then chastises her colleagues who buy one daily. She buys a zone 2-3 travelcard only and saves the £500 by getting the bus part of the way to work. Pretty damned cool I think.

Hmm. I think Im gona puke. just had some yukky thai take away at P's house. yukyuk. salt oil and msg. eughhh. whyyy. cant face work tomorrow. :(

$%£$&* you

I hate you to hell, I hate you to eternity , I hate you to the grave.
Everythings so crap at the moment, I feel so lonely and sad, and I just want to go away, away, far far away. There is noting here, NOTHING IN THIS LIFE. Its all a dumb dumb DUMB pretence, wish it would end. Wish I could end. SCrew YOU.

The Weeks of Ups and Downs

Well, its been a tumultuous few weeks - so many feelings - powerful feelings of despair and exasperation to longing and dejection.

A death of a baby, it was cute. I felt a little sad. Poor parents.

Attending IslamExpo. Ugh, it must be done again tomorrow. i get so frikin piced off at people who come and steal n grab freebies unashamedly from your stall. Seriously people are not worth the effort. Muslims are just clones. They just parrot on and on. And as a separate matter, very few of us can actually defend our faith, we get flustered as soon as someone asks why we are covering our head etc. Idiots man.

I'm reading a really nice tale called The Rock of Tanios (its by Amin Malouf). Its translated from Frenc which makes a bit fiddle to read, but is a intriguing post-colonial plot set in Lebanon, which juicy tales of Emirs and peasants romantic and political adventures. Would have been perfect to have read in Alhamra.

Oh Granada how I miss you so. You perfect cobbles and your winding roads. Your white washed walls and strangers passing by. Sigh.

Also have had famliy over for a few weeks. Which Always brings out the worst in me - I hate people - I just am calm and relaxed on my own - I dont need people with their opinions and issues messing up my head. Go away now. So much pressure. No wonder living in extended families of any kind isn't encouraged - I cant think of anything worse for mental health. For about a week or so I was a monster and have since calmed down a little, but only as a result of strict distancing.

Also work is a nightmare, its so much, so much to do, so much pressure, so many expectations, so much to prove. I've become a person who lives to work rather than works to live. And STILL people who I know very well refuse to heed the call of FT. Why are they so stubborn???? How more can I explain to them? Well on your own consciennce be it - if you are pretty sure (which you can be) that buying coffee from certain companies etc funds child labour, appalling working conditions, doesn't even let the producer meet his Production costs, doesnt allow the children of the people who grow ur food go to school and have a future then why do you still buy it???? SUrely this means YOU are complicit in keeping individuals in the developing world poor enough so as not be able to acccess clean water, medicine or adequate shelter. ON your head be it and may you answer for it on the Day of Judgment. Though i pray Allah guides us on the right path and to do good and forgives us for our sins.

I think I would make a good army commander. Need discipline.

GRR.

God I'm just driven insane by insanity. ROund and round in pointless circles. grrrrr. such an idiot i swear.

Hecklers

Went to a talk today by Mona Siddiqui entitled 'what faith can offer morality' at the LSE. Really really didn't want to go but Y forced me. Oh well I should just be happy he doesn't watch football - though it would be nice if he liked cricket. Anyway the talk was lame. She read off a piece of paper the whole way - to the extent that at the end yshe said 'and my last paragraph...'. Ridiculous. And her points were totally random as well - one anecdote: "I asked a rabbi once, 'how do we know, how do we really know whether God really wants there to be justice on earth and there not to be any inequality?' and he said to me 'If something is bad/immoral then it cannot be divine'...................................................................

I mean what the h*** is that supposed to mean?! I stopped listening and did my work dring the lecture so it wasn't totally unproductive. And then the Q & As. There was the compulsory old indian man present who kicked off proceedings by standing and clearing the phlegm in his throat before launching into 5 minutes of non stop nonsense.

Then there were the hecklers. In this case it was the secularists. It just felt like they wanted to assert some moral superiority over the people of faith by stating that they had morals without needing faith even. And we were dim believers who needed fairy tales to tell us the difference between right and wrong.

Personally I feel man is corrupt. Man is Animal. Man needs rules. Divine superior timeless spaceless rules. If you let man, arrogant man make rules injustice, divisiion and coccuption inevitably prevails. The problem we have now though is that the morality that faith can offer is only available at a small scale, even individual level.

To be honest, I cant be asked with this airy fairy adademic musings.

IN other news, UN soldiers abuse children in African countries. Great. :( How can we live, smile, go on when this type of stuff is happening. May Allah bring justice to earth and bring the innocent to Him. Ameen.

screw u

I honestly don't think anyone can be trusted in this world. Its like everyone has this Satanic side which makes them unscrupulous to some extent. Everyone in the end hurts you, on purpose, spitefully, coldly - just turns on you like a snake.

No-one can be trusted therefore there is no point in getting close to someone, trusting someone, entertaining yourself with the thought that someone is actually nice, pure hearted. Even if they are they will betray you some day until some other priority, person comes along, or if the allegiance fades - it can even diminish to the extent of non-existence. How can something so strong - like a raging powerful fire - just cease to be in a short period of time? Everything is so ephemeral. This life is such a joke. Such a cruel joke. I wish I didnt exist, I wish I wasnt created. What is the point???

screw u

go to hell

die a bloody painful death

burn in hell

feel the rage

leave me ALONE to DIE

realy jst picd off atm . really jsut venomously ANGRY. screw u ALL.

i hate you i hate you i HATE you

The Day of the Stealing Bread and Milk

Warning: The goods were stolen accidentally though there is some element of moral shadiness.

I hate tourists as a rule. I hate the way they're dumb enough to get ripped off, I hate the way they clog up the Underground standing on the wrong side of the escalators, I hate they use their excessive wealth to fund trips to see dumb exhibits like the '18th century chipped tooth of King Whoever the 7th'.

My annoyance at them not being able to 'get things' and holding up queues while people try to explain the intricacies of the Oyster Card is thrown back in my face when I am the dumb one. Dumb is quite a good word to use actually I think because you are quite literally dumb in their lingo.

Ah whatever, stupid story waste of time. Summary: tall long blond haired hair man smiled and bought all my stuff for me out of his stupidity and/or ignorance. I left. I have the receipt to prove the supermarket was paid for my goods. Just not by me...

I did walk around the rest of the trip very paranoid he was going to find me and demand the 150 Kroners back.

God I HATE being back, everything about it, I hate.

Norway was a piece of Paradise. Beautiful days of solitude to stare and ... play solitaire. :) Alone in the quiet quiet wooden house. Until the family returned and the Loneliness began, surrounded by people.

The Day of Flirting with Happiness

I'm flirting with happiness today. I'd better make the most of it because Gloom is bound to find out about my illicit affair and wrestle Happiness out of my arms, leaving me withoiut a soul to squeeze. At the moment Happiness and I are idling away a few merry hours together. I am blissfully free and worryless. I can still see the demons from the corner of my eye though - my colourful vision is blackened at the edges - like when you antiqueify a piece of paper for a school project, colouring it with strained tea bags and then burning the edges... the flame skirting around the edges, threatening to devour the whole paper unless you catch the flame immediately. Thats how my sadness is, threateningly skirting the edges. Eager to invade, like a greedy hungry army with their weapons raised, waiting only for their leader to raise the green flag.

The Journey with the Blind Man.

The blog title sounds like the title of a fable doesn't it? Well the story does have a moral I guess: Give your seat up for blind people on the train. I had to make an announcment in the carriage today asking someone to give up their seat for a poor old man with a guide dog. How rude can Londoners get? No wonder Mayor Ken is having to introduce reminders about this on the tube. Apparently alot of pregnant ladies have been left standing. Rudeness! Don't people realise? Is it laziness? Have they been brought up badly? Can they not empathise with those less able to stand? Do they need a kick in the shins? What is it I wonder?

The guide dog was very handsome though. It was majestic in a way, like it was proud of the responsibility it had and the nobleness of its job. It was really big, standing tall, protecting its owner. It had big brown eyes, and soft labrodor-brown fur. Do dogs have fur? Or is it hair and then when it becomes a coat worn by Cruella Deville it becomes a fur coat? The only scary things were the claws. Ouch.

SubhanAllah there's a cute book about animas for kids by Harun Yahya, including the amazingness of dogs. Its a bit in your face dawah but cute nonetheless.

Insulting Jews on the Sabbath

If 10 is Happy and 0 is Sad and -10 is Depressed and -20 is Suicidal, I'm around -12.

I find people irritating. Irritating to the extent of wanting to push them to the floor and rub their smug little faces in pig-manure. That's how irritating I find people.

In other news:

• I would like to be a primary school teacher. I find children sweet. However, as Y kindly pointed out, I only want to be a teacher because I can then boss about children and be a tyrannical teacher. It's true I can't deny it, but I do find children sweet.

• My glory has been cruelly snatched from me. In Waterstone's I spotted a book written by a British Pakistani and on the back it was described as 'reminiscent of Adrian Mole'. Grr, how dare they take my title from me like that. To make matters worse it was a terrible, dull book full of cliches and a terrible writing style. It had stale jokes in it featuring 'No Irish and No Coloureds' signs etc. I must release my book quickly before the spotlight moves on from Muslim communities to another alien species, like .. well we've already exterminated the Jews, currently slaughtering Muslims, demonised the Blacks.... I think next will be Chinese as they are the next big 'threat'. It's difficult to pick on the Chinese as they are such a introverted and non-political group in the UK but they can't hide their dog-eating tendencies for long. Yes, indeed, the cloth will soon expose their rotting bound feet. You will notice this trend already starting with them being labelled as carbon-criminals in the run up to Beijing 2008. Oh god, lets not get started on the Olympics, I want to emigrate for the 4 years the media will go on harping about it.

• I accidentally made an anti-Semitic remark to a Jewish person. Wait for it... in a Synagogue! On Sabbath! Sheeshus! How could I have done that you ask! Oh my, I cringe just thinking about it. How terrible terrible. I am a bad gentile indeed. It happened thus: Somebody (who shall remain unnamed but truly shamed) told me what the Hebrew words for The Holocaust were Shoah Tax. This is the Knowledge I shared with my Jewish friend at last Saturday's service. Little did I know that I had (a) misunderstood or (b) been misinformed by my friend. Shoah does indeed refer to Holocaust but 'tax' is not an ancient judaic term - rather it is the english word tax! Shoah tax is thus the derogatory term that racists often use to refer to the financial benefit and gain Jews do and did receive following the Holocaust in the form of compensation. She just looked at me with her mouth open. I pray pray pray she misheard me, or at least convinced herself that she misheard. I'm not going there again in a hurry! Oopsie! (I do really feel guilty)

• I met a gentleman today who works for the Methodist Church. He was also directory of Leprosy International Mission. He asked me whether Islam has a lesser focucs on social responsibility that Christianity. I found it a little insulting and a little worrying - surely he should be aware of the basics? But reflecting on it, it worried me to think that Muslims are so so so so unbelievably lazy in this country that a very educated member of faith had to ask me such a question.
  

• I am rapidly ballooning into a ... sack of potatoes. I must lose weight. Fast. Awfully disappointing and depressing. Angry at myself for letting it happy. I want to get a job as a manual labourer or something next so at least I will get some physical exercise. And I'll get to whistle at beautiful bearded thawbed people who walk down the street. (Only joking Y).
  

• I am in need of friends. Dire need. Where can I look?
  
• I am too sensitive - last week a lady telling me she was too busy to talk when I called sent me into a panic, and I was in a low mood the whole evening. Yesterday the girl at the traning course said I wasn't a 'natural leader' - what? based on a 30 minute activity we did in artificial conditions? She was a shorter younger version of that fat lady from The Apprentice. Imagine working with her- what a NIghtmare.
  
• I am addicted to Yoghurt and Apricot Eat Natural Bars. Perhaps this is related to my ballooning issue.
• I met the most wonderful old ladies at a mosque last week. They were SO sweet! And interesting and kind. Yes.. you've guessed it - they weren't Muslim/ They were Christian visitors. Wow I'm hating on Muslims alot today. I can't help it- they make me sick.
  

Babies babies everywhere

Today a sister came to my house to do a talk. I'd forgotten this particular sister was coming and not the usual one. I mentioned this to her but she took offense: 'sorry to disappoint you', her eyebrows raised and eyes twinkled. I didn't mean it like that but still had to spend the rest of the evening sucking up to her.

One of her points was about Maryam (alayhisalaam). She was alone, in the pains of labour....(Loneliess is the suck, and I can imagine labour being a little like the feelings of a torturous death, so imagine the two together!) Anyway, at this time of need, Allah swt told her, as related in the Quran, to:

"...shake towards thyself the trunk of the palm-tree: It will let fall fresh ripe dates upon thee" (19:25).

This ayah shows us that even at that moment we are in a nadir (and we can think about our own low points to understand the feelings she was going experiencing as most of us haven't had the pleasure of giving birth to a prophet in a desert...) we should not despair.

Funnily enough, I've just looked at the ayah before and Maryam did actually cry out in her anguish, as "the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm-tree". She exclaimed: "Ah! would that I had died before this! would that I had been a thing forgotten and out of sight!"(19:23).

This is interesting for me to read because so often I see people hide their fears and concerns to save face and because they don't want to appear 'weak', but this shows us that even esteemed people like Mary (AS) were, at the end of the day, human and had their own tests from Allah which they had to fiercely struggle against, and cope with, to pass. The people we look up to, whether they be from the past or present, are not born heroes- they work for it- conducting jihad against their nafs and shaytans, working damn hard to become characters of stregth and attain falah/success.

So, returning to the story, just as Maryam (AS) needed Allah, He, the Provider, the Protector came to her aid:

'But (a voice) cried to her from beneath the (palm-tree): "Grieve not! for thy Lord hath provided a rivulet beneath thee. And shake towards thyself the trunk of the palm-tree: It will let fall fresh ripe dates upon thee. So eat and drink and cool (thine) eye..." (19:23-26).

Maryam here has been instructed to do the seemingly impossible. A date palm trunk can't be shaken so easily (if at all) by a grown man, let alone a labouring woman! And that is Exactly the point. It's not Maryam who needs to do the shaking-- it is with Allah that lies All Power -la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah (لا حول ولاقوة إلا بالله) - There is No power or strength except with God. And we shouldn't become arrogant enough to think we do have any power. We need only to do our best, to take the actions, Allah is the one who will actually shake the blessings on us from His tree if we simply put up our hands, like Maryam, to the Tree of His Shade.

(NB- Ironically, and I pity pity these people, those who try to 'answer Islam' completely miss this point- see bold writing on this page: http://answering-islam.org.uk/Quran/Contra/qe007.html Ridiculously poor arguments).

(I made up some the points on here so any errors are mine...)

Failing to turn information into 'ilm (worhwhile religious knowledge)

I feel awfully pressured to blog again, I can't write on instruction though, I'm not a trained journalist you know!

Well here's some gossip, my family don't tell me anything! Found out today I'm expecting another niece/nephew and that my aunt is being hospitalised with a possibly malignant lump! :0

Today I went to a religious talk - needed some spiritual enlightenment. I felt really odd being the only one not wearing a black cloak- most of them were wearing veils. I'm used to being the overdressed one and instead today I felt like a ho in jeans and a pink scarf. Literally they were like an identical army shrouded in black. I listened to some really powerful teachings about the importance of good actions and manners and the evils of gossip. I then came home and shouted at my dad, gossiped with someone on the phone and then backbit about someone else. Man I'm such a hypocrite.

I wish I'd bought that book in Oxfam today - Fishing for Salmon in Yemen or something. Instead I bought Edward Said's book to decorate my shelf. I tell myself I shouldnt waste time reading fiction and try and stick to mostly non-fiction buying but it just means books end up standing unread for years on end. Titles which I purchased after intellectual whims include: A Biography of Genghis Khan; Joe Simpsons The Road to Afghanistan (or something), Wild West China, The Snow Geese, Bosnia: A Short History. Materialism won't let me give them away. Ironically I bought a New copy of Affluenza yesterday, the book about modern affliction of materialism, when I know I could have bought it second hand off Amazon.

Speaking of Bosnia, something really embarrassing happened last week. I went to a talk about Shariah in Britain and this old white lady happened to sit next to me. She went on to try and have a really intellectual conversation with me! I coped fine for the most part by opening my eyes wide frequently and saying "Really?" and giving knowing smirks here and there. Then she asked me: You must know alot about the situation, what do you think about Kosova? Eek!

Man have to wake up in 6 hours... last thing I feel like doing tomorrow is going to a FunFair. Urgh. Must. smile.

The Blog is back and back with vengeance!

[NB- My last blog remains closed due to the risk of unintended parties reading the personal items contained].

Th Beginning.

Today I was angered by a mouthy 16 year old who claimed that 'God' created the world in 'perfect balance' and therefore we should not try to change economic imbalances between the poor and the rich.

I know not which 'God' she was talking of for this burka-clad girl was not talking of My God. My God- Allah- is the Most Just and Merciful Lord &Provider of All Creation, rich, poor and non-human. In what I can only describe as pure folly, the miseducated runt was confusing al-Mizan, a Divine Balance, with unjust inequalities in the global market which are perpetuated by the greedy humans and their money guzzling mechanisms.

The world is actually ridiculous.