fiction?

Moral, Mental, Physical deterioration. Self hatred reaching unbearable levels.

:'(

oh sweet death come, come. In fact yesterday I was happy in the car with Y. Normally I'm nervous on the motorway but this time I was hopeful for a fatal crash. Though I had to re-jig my fantasy to ensure that he and my nephew didn't also die in the crash.

STOP PRESS

Ceiling has just collapsed in the living room. Nephew was inches away from being knocked on the head with large pieces of Victorian concrete. As pretty as they are I don't think that would have done his brain any favours. Ah well another job to occupy my dad with. Maybe now he will reconsider selling the house, the miserable horrid godforsaken house.

It was nice only when my mum was alive, with siblings living here, children playing, uncles dawating, aunties gossiping. Now its a warzone. The latest battle was over the pool table "WHERES IT GOING TO GO, WHERE WILL THE GUESTS SLEEP?". What guests? This house hasn't seen any happiness for more than a decade. Who are you anyway to dictate how each last iota of the house is occupied? You've driven one person away already, are you trying to break a record?

Puked 3 times yesterday. Felt like I was having chemo or something. Na'uthubillah may Allah protect my family and me from diseases of the body and the soul.

Ramadan soon - its going to be so crap, I don't have anyone to share it with, no masjid taqwa to run over to, no K to learn names with, no free iftars to feel part of the community. Just dark long nights of loneliness and guilt.

My dad is crazy as well (just a phrase, not a derogatory term). His latest project is the remote control. I didnt think a remote control could cause such anguish! Though anything is possible after hearing him shout and rave down the phone, red in the face with anger, only to hear him say next "That was my 8pence. Why did you take my 8 Pence, I demand you to put it back on my account". All international phone companies are chor (thieves) apparently. I'm surprised that the fact he saves probably thousands on the cheapo purchases he gets from As*a doesn't console him a bit. I'm sure it all balances out - rippings off and savings. Maybe I'll understand when I have a pension. I just don't understand why he doesnt make his life easier for himself, he's got 5 kids, he could relaxedly and peacefully live with any one of them (if he gets rid of her that is)and not worry about property and money or anything.

God shes such a B!tch sometimes. The ceilings just collapsed (which is worrying and traumatic) and all she can do is made snide remarks about 'this is what happens to old houses'. Get the FRIK out the house and bugger off from where you came from then if you hate it so much. It would please me to heaven if you did at least. I wonder how things would have been if my mum hadn't have died. Though she was very strict. Maybe I would have been more disciplined and in control then.

Ah enough blathering, better go help clean up.