i am a loser

i am a loser

Missing Faith

My Islam has been left to rot. The best way to stay on top of domestic cleanliness is daily tidying away, otherwise you end up with a pile of clothes on the back of a chair. In the same way Islam condones ..what the F is that word... ah yes Steadfastness. Small regular acts help retain taqwa - consciousness of Allah. So I've ended up with a rotting pile of black filth on my heart, which no amount of Vanish or Mr Muscle is able to shift. ...OK I lie about the Mr Muscle and Vanish, I've barely made any effort to scrub away. Seems like such hard work. It's like I've built up an aversion to Muslims (and consequently (mistakenly) equated it to Islam). I'm so tired of salafis, stuck up their own arses, going on and on about how beautiful dawah is, when you can blatantly tell they get off on chastising others and dismissing them to hell. Ugh, I'm so prickly even Islam can't get to me, let alone other people. I think I'm turning away from Islam because what its telling me to do is Difficult to do, may require Struggle *(shock horror - effort?! Don't use that word much these days)* Unlike the fluffy Christian Just Believe preaching, Islam is requiring me to put some effort in. It tells me it has/is the solution but I need to work towards it. I know all the teachings yes, "Take a step towards Allah and He will come to you at speed" (paraphrased qudsi hadith) etc etc but I can't. I'm too weak a servant.

f$$K you you mOTHerFuC££ers

I wish I could turn the clocks back to when...

My mum was alive and I'd eat her freshly made chapppatis.

I believed my dad when he complimented me on my handwriting and spellings, before I knew he was just patronising me.

Y used to leave me cute little offline messages on Yahoo Messenger.

I used to trek to events on my own and be inspired by the people I heard. When everything wasn't blah and old, when it was New and exciting and the future was Bright.

I was able to pray with sincerity.

I could smile without faking it and be crying inside.

Empty mind. Nothing to write. Empty soul. Nothing to give. Empty apart from hatred and anger. And violence. GRR

Eurgh

Eugh, just feel and look fat today, not pregnant at all. Yuk yuk yuk. Horrid horrid body.

Sad.

Angry today. Growling.

Angry at being left alone and someone not quite understanding some things. Can't even openly talk about it, great.

Sigh.

i wish i could do bellydancing properly,. im gonna start lessons again afterwards i think.

sexy houses

just saw the most beautiful houses on tv - on escape to the country/

omg i was druelling. inshallah in jannah.. lol i wonder if we're allowed to have intention of being good in this life to have material gain in hereafter, sounds a little odd and a bit out of sinc with the whole asceticism thing but it cud still work,,, hate being grown up =- hard to be unselfish and unmaterialistic cos u r forced to worry abt jobs and money and houses and family to a certain degree so u get carried away with cars and holidays and utensils and mortgages and banks and pushchairs and blah

considering compiling a cd for birth. dont really listen or like music at the moment so may pose a problem, but who knows, better to have and not use ... shud hv quran on it, but if i was gonna have music id have all the ones tht iv used to block out other stuff in life previously.. namely...

random outlandish songs - or not. may be too slow
rouby - various inc enta aref leih, bidary keda n other fast ones
eminem - sick/puke song
regina spektor? too slow.. samson...
guantanamero - compay sugunda..
moby - honey, natural blues, old play album...
786?!?! dosti!!
an amr diab -lely nehary?..
not ya ali in the gangster film... :s
shakira.. hips dont lie :)
whats tht rude one z used to like.. erm.. black guy... american... skeen.. no.. cent.. no.. argh, what who the hell was it.. that jesus walks guy...ah! kanya west
hmm duno what else..

feel sick. really sick. hate being at home. should have gone to work. hate being at home in the daytime. so quiet and lonely and depressing and daytime tv. should do something. feel crap. cant explain. :'(

is there a difference between being clinically depressed and just being a depressive personality. i dont think i will ever be happy, am capable of a real smile at all. ever. iv been happy at times but thats usually due to something special and temporary like a holiday opportunity or doing something haram. it was just fleeting endorphins. and now not eanything makes me happy, or makes me desire - nothing material, no person, no activity, nothing. there is nothing. nothingness spans out and the world is bleak and depressing and everything is futile and nothing is worth anything. i still flinch if i see a parent beating their child etc but iv lost the enthusiasm to join a Movement, or to convinve people of Truths. die lonely sad and then be punished in the grave and then to hell.

fuck u u fucking motherfuckers. fuck fuck fuc FUCK YOU

fuck

fucking fuck fuck

fuck fuck fucck fuck fuck fuck fuckk fuckk

fuck fuck fuck