i wish i could do bellydancing properly,. im gonna start lessons again afterwards i think.

sexy houses

just saw the most beautiful houses on tv - on escape to the country/

omg i was druelling. inshallah in jannah.. lol i wonder if we're allowed to have intention of being good in this life to have material gain in hereafter, sounds a little odd and a bit out of sinc with the whole asceticism thing but it cud still work,,, hate being grown up =- hard to be unselfish and unmaterialistic cos u r forced to worry abt jobs and money and houses and family to a certain degree so u get carried away with cars and holidays and utensils and mortgages and banks and pushchairs and blah

considering compiling a cd for birth. dont really listen or like music at the moment so may pose a problem, but who knows, better to have and not use ... shud hv quran on it, but if i was gonna have music id have all the ones tht iv used to block out other stuff in life previously.. namely...

random outlandish songs - or not. may be too slow
rouby - various inc enta aref leih, bidary keda n other fast ones
eminem - sick/puke song
regina spektor? too slow.. samson...
guantanamero - compay sugunda..
moby - honey, natural blues, old play album...
786?!?! dosti!!
an amr diab -lely nehary?..
not ya ali in the gangster film... :s
shakira.. hips dont lie :)
whats tht rude one z used to like.. erm.. black guy... american... skeen.. no.. cent.. no.. argh, what who the hell was it.. that jesus walks guy...ah! kanya west
hmm duno what else..

feel sick. really sick. hate being at home. should have gone to work. hate being at home in the daytime. so quiet and lonely and depressing and daytime tv. should do something. feel crap. cant explain. :'(

is there a difference between being clinically depressed and just being a depressive personality. i dont think i will ever be happy, am capable of a real smile at all. ever. iv been happy at times but thats usually due to something special and temporary like a holiday opportunity or doing something haram. it was just fleeting endorphins. and now not eanything makes me happy, or makes me desire - nothing material, no person, no activity, nothing. there is nothing. nothingness spans out and the world is bleak and depressing and everything is futile and nothing is worth anything. i still flinch if i see a parent beating their child etc but iv lost the enthusiasm to join a Movement, or to convinve people of Truths. die lonely sad and then be punished in the grave and then to hell.

fuck u u fucking motherfuckers. fuck fuck fuc FUCK YOU

fuck

fucking fuck fuck

fuck fuck fucck fuck fuck fuck fuckk fuckk

fuck fuck fuck